Monster Vice by George P. Saunders

Author:George P. Saunders [Saunders, George P.]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: Horror, Occult, Fantasy
Amazon: B0073YDXB4
Published: 2012-01-31T00:00:00+00:00

That … and we can feed on one another,” he says, smiling.

During World War II when blood supplies were running low it was discovered that the liquid inside young coconuts could be used to substitute for blood plasma. It is considered a viable substitute for blood plasma because it is sterile, cool, easily absorbed by the body, and does not destroy red blood cells. It is a natural isotonic beverage with an excellent level of electrolytic balance, similar to what we have in human blood.

On another note, it has been said that there is a better chance of being killed by a falling coconut then being killed by a shark. This is not some bogus, bullshit allegation. The noted director of the Florida Museum of Natural History, George Burgess, in his International Shark Attack File was quoted “Falling coconuts kill 150 people worldwide each year, 15 times the number of fatalities attributable to sharks.” It is not clear how Mr. Burgess obtained these statistics, but such a study on palm-tree-falling related deaths, compared to say, oh, coconuts or shark attacks, might be a bloody interesting laboratory study.

“What?” I say, the coconut statistic obliterated by the more astounding news of vampire co-parasitic survival practices.

“We vampires are able to sustain our daily existence by also feeding off one another. Incremental portions, of course, but the blood that flows in our respective bodies is sufficient to do the trick.”

“You suck each other?” Mirabelle asks. And the way she phrases it makes me inadvertently chuckle.

“Charmingly put,” Dracula says. “Yes … we do indeed suck one another. So, in addition to the pigeon dynamic, we are quite happy with not murdering helpless human beings to live. In fact, aside from the vicious and insane mutations that we’ve seen develop due to the Popov Phenomenon, most vampires live in this way.”

I stand, feeling a little drunk, staring at Dracula incredulously. All my senses are assaulted, my understanding of the vampire myth shorn to the bone (again, sorry for the mixed metaphor).

“Most vampires?”

“Well, Dick, I may possibly be the oldest vampires on the planet, but I’m not the only one. Samantha is only a century younger than myself, for example. There was an unofficial census taken in the vampire community about 50 years ago, and it is estimated that we number over a million worldwide.”

“There was – a census taken?”

“Yes.”

“But … a million vampires? This was way before the Popov thing, right?”

“Of course.”

“My god. A million blood drinkers,” I say, momentarily forgetting myself.

“We’re not that bad once you get to know us. We’re not a whole lot of fun at Sunday mass, but –”

“I don’t mean that. I mean … I mean that vampires are famous for killing and drinking human blood. That’s what they do. That’s the job description. Vampire. Fangs. Blood. Living Death. People killers.”

“A lot of myth mixed with fact, true,” Dracula says softly. “Vampires are a different form of life in this world, a different species. But to say that we are all homicidal is like saying all human beings are serial killers.

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